Evie Boye (she/her), a junior at Brookwood High School, is an avid writer who most frequently expresses herself through poems and songs. In many of her works, Evie expresses her love as a Christian towards her God. In this piece, she shares her experiences and the pride that comes with being a black woman.
When we’re in middle school, we’re worried about what we're gonna wear the next day or what that girl’s saying about us in the bathroom. We agonize over suddenly having four classes and getting to all of them on time every day. Things change. People change. When I was in middle school, the only thing that changed was how I saw myself and how I noticed others perceived me. I noticed you couldn’t just be friends with just anyone anymore. The cheerleaders would go hang out at the mall. The dancers would have sleepovers and parties. The football players would talk about which girl was next on their list.
I didn’t understand it. I never had a group I could heed or a person I could go to. But wasn't I just like everyone else? I’d never been to a mall, but it sounded fun. My mom would never let me have a sleepover or go to a party, but it seemed enjoyable. I know I was never on anybody’s list, but just talking to a guy seemed congenial.
I kept thinking to myself that maybe I’m just too quiet. So I talked a little bit more in class. Maybe I was too virtuous. So I skipped class every now and then. Maybe it was the clothes I wore. So I started wading through American Eagle and Victoria’s Secret. Lord knows, I could never afford either one of those, nevertheless, be allowed to wear anything from their reserve. Eventually, I realized that maybe it was me. Things changed. People changed. Maybe I needed to change too.
Growing up, whether it was beneficial or ill-disposed, every black person has had their own experience with race. When my mom was younger, she had a white chorus teacher who never gave her a single solo. However, when he retired and was replaced with a black chorus teacher, she was praised and even occasionally directed the choir. In middle school, I didn’t have a lot of experience with race. I was too busy focusing on how divergent I was from my peers. I didn’t want to stand out. I wanted to be just like everyone else. I didn’t have many friends, but the kids I did try talking to every now and then were always white. I thought maybe I could fit in with them. I told myself that my skin was light too, so maybe this could work, you know? I could try to be white. I could join the choir. I could try out for cheerleading. I could fix how I talk. I could fix how I dress and how I walk. Maybe I could finally anchor myself and be just like everybody else. Even if, at best, a year, a week, or even a day.
I was wrong, though. They made it very clear to me that since I wasn’t white, I didn’t get to fit in. I didn’t get to be in their friend groups. I didn’t get to sit with them at lunch. I didn’t get to be white. Every time, no matter what I did, I was still black. It didn’t matter what I wore. It didn’t matter how I talked. It didn’t matter what choir I joined or what team I tried out for. Trying to be white didn’t get me invited to hang out at the mall with them. Trying to be white didn’t get me invited to their birthday parties. Trying to be white didn’t get me anything except heat-damaged hair and strained vocal cords. I told myself from then on that I would no longer try to be white because the truth of the matter was that I was black. When I’m not black, I'm confused. When I’m not black, I’m insulted. When I’m not black, I feel estranged and alienated. I’d rather be an exile, rebel, or leper than someone or something I’m not. Things can change if they want to. Heck, people can too. But I’m not changing anymore. All our lives, we’ve been told by our parents to be ourselves. Be who you really are, not who everyone else wants you to be. Well, who I am may not be completely clear to me yet, but I know one thing for certain: I won’t, ever again, try to be something I'm not. I am black. I always will be, and I always have been. The world's gonna just have to live with it.
Edited by Obadele (Jay Felipe)
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